Contracorriente
Musings on being impractical, choosing whimsy and letting life nudge you to your purpose
Swimming against the current. Marching to the beat of your own drummer. Rocking the boat. Ruffling feathers. Going against the grain.
Idioms are a critical part of learning any language. Those are the ones that have been steadily pulsing under my skin for probably my whole life, but the volume seems to be growing louder since I began the sabbatical. Just like the times I used to feel my heart beat in my stomach and ears right before I went up on stage to perform. It used to be a familiar comfort even though I could tell my body was amping up to be Priya on Stage. Good nerves and adrenaline to fuel the performance and kind of put you in a trance because at once your body/mind/breath/expressions just come alive in a very different way. I love that the stage lights would effectively blind you to the audience seated in the darkness because then you’re drawing on your own power and energy.
This is very different from dancing at functions or reading a speech in front of classmates or filming short videos on social media. There’s more eye contact, there’s more attention you feel on you, and there’s a sense of just marking your steps and not being TOO ALIVE because it feels more vulnerable. Or maybe, you’re just not used to it and so if you practiced enough then it would feel just as awesome as being on stage.
I promise there’s a thread here and it’s slowly forming but there might be some meandering in this post. April is a perfect month for meandering and giving into the whimsy of spring.
I’m coming up to the penultimate month of this intentional shift to living and I feel the ghost of urgency haunting me, reminding me that I need to be getting somewhere and thinking about the next thing. I feel the restlessness like a low monotonous chant humming in the background, taking over my recently re-set circadian rhythm, imploring me to “send that email. talk to that person. apply to that job. pack the things.” And then I remember it’s been a few months of consistently showing up for myself and going against the grain (deeply embedded) and that’s why these moments feel like echoes from a different time.
How lovely to acknowledge this growth. I didn’t think I could get here mostly because I didn’t know how but I had a hunch that what if it were possible for me to live just a little differently than I had been. It doesn’t have to be drastic and sudden and announced to the whole world. It just had to be curious and quiet and a little still but a little brave, like if you’re approaching a butterfly or a new puppy or kitten or another very delicate thing. I didn’t want to scare it away even though I felt scared because it was all so new and what if I didn’t land on my feet? What if I fell?
Then I’d have to lick any wounds, and get up, steady myself and take that next step, hoping to get another chance to follow a hunch.
Growth takes the time it takes. Rushing gets you nowhere and when you completely absolve yourself from the conditioning of monitoring/measuring/recording how you grow or if you grew enough or if you grew/changed/improved the “right” way - growth becomes much lighter and almost second nature. I considered one of those bullet journal trackers to measure certain metrics of growth while I was on sabbatical. It’s not surprising given my process-results-operations background. Give me a rubric and benchmarks, and set me on my merry way and I’ll be tracking the shit out of anything. I’m really glad I didn’t do any of that. As soon as I drew up a framework (blech), I felt blech and decided I didn’t want any part of my life to be measured in any way just to be tied to the value I contribute or the quality/quantity of utility I deliver. I chose to take a break from all of this data-informed/data-driven performance management utilization, forecasting metrics environment and mindset so that I could enjoy a stroll along a river or write a newsletter for the heck of it. But old habits are dreadfully and obnoxiously clingy.
So these months have been a daily if not moment by moment practice of swimming against the currents of conditioning, old habits, societal expectations, my own expectations of what would be happening in this time, and striving to get to that next pull of the water.
What I find is how much clarity and conviction there is in my mind about how I want to spend my time. It brings a lot of ease and even joy when I talk about the ways I see my life unfolding. I don’t worry about succeeding or viability because I’m okay with learning more. Each setback or total failure nudges me into that next moment that brings more clarity and more conviction and more curiosity to keep tugging on the string to see where it’ll take me next. What happens though is when I execute against my ideas, bring them into the world sometimes half baked or not all the way clear, I notice that doubt gets louder. It’s no longer a humming but a full blown chant. I get sucked back into my mind and the fatigue from the countercurrent starts to set in and the old habits, ghosts although they may be, start to materialize into form and suddenly I travel back in time and consider that safety and stability and what is expected of me must be the only way I can get a second to catch my breath and rest on the shore before I dive back in. Move back, apply to the jobs, do the 9-9, go through the performance reviews and trudge along through to the next day and then the next.
To many, my decision to leave the corporate job, move to another country to train in a dance form probably comes off as the gap year/find yourself experience. For me, this is real life. This is where I am bringing the last 8 years of experience and growth into application. I spent the last 8 years learning how to build a life and do what was expected of me and what was responsible and practical. These past few months I have been spending them learning how to live without following a blueprint.
Inviting whimsy has been an important part of this experience. In a city like Sevilla, it’s easy to walk a few meters and find yourself 20 minutes away from your destination. Almost as if the city has mischievously set out these little booby traps intentionally so that you do get lost. She nudges you to see this beautiful little patio with flower pots and luscious greenery, forcing you to tear your eyes away from the google maps rerouting you to your destination. Granted, this is very stress inducing if you’re making your way to a government/junta set appointment so building in time is just the practical thing to do. But even when you are so wrapped up in the errands and the daily must-dos, to ask yourself if there’s a way to squeeze in or discover some ease in the moment can help you get some distance from whatever narrative is on a loop.
I keep being reminded that everyone is winging it. Everyone is trying to follow a path forged by several people and everyone is trying to forge their own path. It does help me feel like less of an outlier. I think I’ve carried this mantle for long enough now. I am ready to drop the story that I’m marching to my own drummer and that I have this deep conflict about doing what’s right and practical vs what I really want even though I may not know if it’s what I’ll want in the next few months.
The sneaky thing about stories we internalize is that we spend a lot of time believing them and acting in response to them. We are exposed to narratives and information across so many platforms and then we absorb what we see around us in the lives our loved ones live, and we carry outdated ideas from our childhood that we are even less aware about. It can feel like a never-ending task but I think it’s because I want to believe I have a finite amount of limiting beliefs and stories so eventually as I declutter, the pile will whittle down and I can finally stop.
So how will we know to question a story if we can’t tell it is a story? Is there a way to hack this, a preventative approach where we can weed out the noise and center our desires before we internalize anything? I don’t think so. I think it’s a very human experience which means we’re always going to be tripping up over a growing inventory of limiting beliefs and stories that have to be cleared out.
One thing that has been helping me over the past few months is believing fiercely that life will nudge me into alignment with my purpose and my higher self. I used to imagine a big swell of music that would conclusively usher me into my purpose - not only would I know it but so would the whole world. It would be the overnight success story, the sudden windfall, the big break that we are all waiting for. So when I spent most of my life expecting these pivotal moments and not experiencing them, I reluctantly accepted that my story will be very uneventful. And once I had those blinders on, when pivotal moments graced my life I convinced myself that maybe I earned it by being penitent and putting my head down and just doing what was expected of me. That this was the way life was going to send me clues every once in a while and I’ll slowly get to the final destination. It took years and the last few months to shine a light on this narrative and let it go, and it didn’t go without a fight.
What comes easily to me is being impractical, choosing whimsy, and rocking the boat just enough to see where it’ll take me next. Spending time rejecting how my energy was organically showing up was draining me. It felt like I kept coming in my own way. I know I see a life I want and I am not living it yet but that clarity and conviction, drowning out the humming and hauntings seems to be rooted in all the ways that are far from societal expectations and norms. Fitting in or escaping to what I know to do by going to what I had been doing just won’t cut it for me anymore.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on these musings. Are you a practical person who’s itching to be impractical? When have you experienced moments of clarity and conviction? When was the last time you meandered for no purpose?